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How I Spent My Summer Vacation, Part Deux

*continued from Part 1*

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I still didn’t get it. Why would I be led in this direction, and have all signs point this way, only to not get this job I was so desperately seeking?

I was angry. I was bitter. I was depressed. I was certain the woman who got “my” job was a fool, someone who could not do the job anywhere nearly as well as I could. I fantasized that she would fall flat on her face, and they would come to me to pick up the pieces.

Finally, I decided to email the person responsible for hiring and ask him point blank what I could do to be his first choice the next time. And when I read his response, I wept again, though not for the reasons you might think. He told me who had gotten the job, and why.

I knew the woman, and she is a wonderful person.

Kim read my writing when I was 17 years old and published a piece of mine in the small supplement paper she was editing, call “Best Bets.” I wrote a couple of articles for her, and she asked me to help out at a music festival she was promoting that year. We parted ways when I was dealing with my own personal, teenage issues and she went on to a career as head of Public Relations at General Electric. She and her husband had adopted 6 (count ‘em!) children from Hungary. I had read about this in the newspaper and was humbled that I had been privileged to work with such a unique person, and I had prayed that our paths might cross again.

The knowledge that she was the person I was competing against was at once humbling, and mind-boggling. Kim was not only far, far more qualified than me, but she needed the job so much more. I knew that this would be her chance to be more available to all 8 of her children. The idea that they would even bother to interview anyone else shocked me, and the fact that they considered me competition for even one second was astounding.

And I wanted her to know. I desperately wanted to tell her about this emotional roller coaster, and offer her my support and hopefully she might even hire me as a lowly underling. I wanted to call her, but I couldn’t get her number due to human resources policy. So, I sent her a private message on the forum a few weeks later. And I heard…nothing. I was a bit devastated. I thought the fact that I had been in the running might dissuade her from talking to me. But of course, I have a history of being wrong about these kinds of things, and I was wrong again!

She never got my message, because she had trouble with her log-in. And when she sent me a message it was completely of her own volition. She had noticed me…on the message boards, and she had read some of my writing around town, and she wanted to hire me. She didn’t know it was me, the 17 year old she had taken under her wing some 13 years ago, but when she found out she was delighted. And so was I.

And so that’s what God was doing…it was a strange, bumpy, path, but it led to something great. I am working 10 hours a week for a woman I wholly respect, doing a job I thoroughly enjoy. I am allowed to be myself, and I have time to devote to other things. Because I’m not sure God wants me to be anything but ultimately, a writer. I recently had another career aspiration, involving something I was sure was an untapped market in Evansville, till I met a girl who had already tapped it. And so I am back again, to writing. And it feels right.

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By katemckinneycake – September 3, 2008

How I Spent My Summer Vacation Part 1

I apologize to all the McKinneycake fans out there who have missed this blog. I will attempt to rectify the wrongs I committed my neglecting this holy calling and get back into the swing of things.

Part 1- The Job That Got Away

My father’s family insists that when I was a child, I wanted to be a comedian. I have no memories of such an aspiration. Actress? Check. Writer? Check. District Attorney? I didn’t actually know what that was, but if it meant being extremely elegant and standing up for your beliefs and dating a hot man-beast like Catherine Chandler did on my favorite show Beauty and the Beast then yeah, I could be that.

Actress and writer stuck around for a while, but pretty much anytime I realize that a real job would require a) copious amounts of school and b) Working. HARD. then I would quickly lose interest. There was one job I never stopped considering from at least the age of four, however, when I breastfed my dolls and that was being a MOMMY. Preferably to bunches of kids. It’s the toughest job I’ll ever love and if I had known how colossally bad I could be at it sometimes then maybe I would have run away from that too, but it’s tough to argue with your biological urges. I was programmed to procreate.

And so, upon the death of my precious grandfather I dropped out of school for the third time, got married and got pregnant. I quit my $6 an hour job at the classical radio station and I quit my $8 an hour job working as a hospital file clerk and I got into the business of mommying. I had two more babies and hmm…why am I not fulfilled? Well, the reasons for that are far-reaching and something we will go into in a later blog, but there was something important going on.

As I mentioned in another blog, the writing was kind of important. And it was something I ignored for literally years and years of my life. When I started writing again it was a form of redemption for me. And I began to feel things welling up inside me. Ambition! A desire to help support my family!

I have been making a little bit of money writing for the Evansville Courier Westside, and News 4 U, and Evansville Parent and I was immensely grateful, but we’ve still been living a bit hand to mouth (in the American sense only.) I really wanted to do something else to help out while Hugh finishes his accounting degree.

There was a job I kept hearing about. A job running a website in town, called www.evansvillemoms.com. Job Title? Head Mom.

Now, the idea of having a job running a website seems a bit like a fairy tale, really. Work From Home? A job about being a Mom? That involves the INTERNET (that lovely place I met my husband.) Writing? Promotion? How much could something like that actually pay? Would it pay…anything? But this job kept coming up. From my friend Jenni, who somehow had heard something about it. From a girl named Kara, who I happened to meet while doing a story on the EduKids homeschool co-op. She knew the head mom in Knoxville and had heard rumors of a position in Evansville. I started emailing Knoxville’s head mom but I was still incredibly fuzzy on the whole thing. And then my sister-in-law Jondi saw the job posted on Yahoo Hot Jobs. So I pulled a resume out of thin air (how do you do a resume when you haven’t worked in 5 years, except for a little free-lance writing?) and sent it in.

And I got called in for an interview.

I nearly wet my pants.

Now, I still knew absolutely nothing about this job. There was a certain amount of money that I wanted to make, and it wasn’t much, but I thought it might help out. If the job made that much I’d be happy. And even though I had no idea what this job was really like I decided to go for the gusto.

I went shopping. First I went to Wal-Mart and bought a cute knit top and matching skirt, but ultimately I returned it for something with a bit more panache. So I went to Target where all the truly upscale dames shop, and I found the perfect corporate costume. A blue pin-striped skirt, $5. A white short sleeve button up shirt, $12. Red flats, $9. A red snakeskin bag. $30. And a blue and white polka dot scarf, $7. And I topped off the look with some silver earrings I bought at Kohls the night before. It actually looked smashing. I was complimented on it by someone in line behind me at The Courier Press office, just as I was being given a visitor’s badge that read #1. A very good sign.

I’ll cut to the chase. I was extremely intimidated, especially when I was told the salary. Let’s just say it was considerably more than what my husband makes, and he has a bachelor’s degree. It was also techincally 40 hours a week, and while it was work from home, it was definitely WORK. It was not a job. It was a career. Somehow I knew I was in over my head, and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing there. Over 50 people applied for this job? They were only interviewing three? I was one of them? Whaaa?

By the second interview I didn’t care. I was going to fake it till I made it. That job was mine. If I had to put my kids in public school and daycare (only part-time!), if I had to hire a cleaning lady, whatever, then I would make it work. I would change my clothes. I would tone down my personality. I would find someway to become magically organized, and I would make it work. I had GREAT ideas, and when would I ever find another job that used my talents for writing and working with the public that paid so incredibly well and DIDN’T REQUIRE A COLLEGE DEGREE?

I couldn’t stop talking about it…I couldn’t stop telling everyone about this incredible job that I was sure to get. The wait was murderous. It was all happening the SAME WEEK my brother was getting married and that was the only thing that managed to keep my mind off the culmination of destiny.

And then…it happened. I was having a manicure, and my sister-in-law’s mother got a call on her cell phone. From my husband! It was a message to call back about the job. I did so…with my heart in my throat, yet certain it was good news.

I now know that it was good news. At the time I did not realize this, and I sat, weeping in the beauty parlor and feeling like a fool.

Why did this happen? Why was I led in this direction? There are so many small details that I have left out…maybe even things I have blocked out due to the extreme grief that I was pulled into the weeks after this event. I called my friends constantly, dissolving in tears. I could barely take care of the kids, or cook. I was completely blindsided by this turn of events.

*To Be Continued*

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By katemckinneycake – September 2, 2008

WALL-E Fan Fiction

Ever since Jarvis saw the trailer for the new Pixar film WALL-E he has been completely entranced. He has worked on perfecting his quavery robot voice, and loves to pretend to be “A curious and lonely robot.” I scolded him for “walking” up to communion at church on his knees and he informed me that WALL-E has wheels, not legs. Whenever anyone asks him to do something with him this summer, such as visit my grandparents at their lakeside cottage he says “I can’t…I’ll be seeing WALL-E.” I’ve tried to explain to him that we’ll only see it once in the theaters and that will leave PLENTY of time to do other summertime activities, to no avail.

Today he wanted to write a WALL-E book. He dictated, and I typed. We worked out a few plot points, but for the most part it’s exactly as it was told to me. He told me there will be no pictures, because, like Harry Potter, WALL-E is a BIG book. I suggested he draw some illustrations for the chapter pages, because he can draw an excellent WALL-E likeness.

So, here are two WALL-E fan fiction stories, and one teaser. Hopefully there will more to come.

WALL-E was on the garbage planet with his girlfriend Eve. Suddenly a big ship came down. The little white robot and WALL-E went into it. There was all kinds of stuff in it. There were no robots in the ship. She thought it was an alarm so she just had to just check around all in the ship. Suddenly another ship came down and there were two ships, then more and more and more ships. And then all villains came out of these ships. Then there was something else. It was Eve but she was caught. And WALL-E had nothing to do because he was little.

Chapter 2 WALL-E saves Eve
When WALL-E saw that Eve was captured what should he have done? WALL-E went after the villains in the first ship and the first ship had Eve in it and WALL-E had somewhere behind so he went behind the boxes so he’d have somewhere to hide so the bad guys wouldn’t know that WALL-E followed them into the ship.

So, WALL-E went behind the boxes. What he found there was a clue. And an unbelievable thing- nothing there! There was something else there. Wall-E kept looking for someplace in the ship to eat.

Chapter 3 WALL-E believes the ship

Wall-E believes the ship is haunted. Wall had the unknowsent to get the ship off until he got his girlfriend Eve. And WALL-E just raced and raced to Eve. At last Eve was saved. WALL-E fighted the villains. And the next morning it was a beautiful day outside and WAll-E and his girlfriend lived happily ever after. The End.

Wall-E and the Velveteen Prince

Chapter 1

The Nice Christmas Day

It was snowy outside and so Wall-E and Eve went out to play in the snow. They made snowballs and then when it was springtime everything got to be good. When it was summer Wall-E played outside with Eve also. Then Wall-E decided to go for a wheel walk today. Eve said “Where are we going today Wall-E?” and Wall-E said “to the park.” Then on the way to the park they went the wrong way. But on the way to the park they got lost. So they went to a house that was a castle. There was a queen. A very, very mad queen. So Wall-E and his girlfriend asked directions to the park. The queen said “If you tell me that I will destroy you guys.” So Wall-E and Eve wheeled away as fast as they can. But the queens workers came and catched them.

Chapter 2

Put them in the Boiling Water

So, as they catched, well, there seemed to be one little thing. Now these two metal robots go into the boiling water. They didn’t burn up because they were metal.

Chapter 3

Fight with the Velveteen Prince

As Wall-E did it good, good things began to go wrong. As we were saying with this story, Wall-E did anything. And so to a very nice Colactos and then the queen had a very large cat that could eat up Wall-E. The cat was named Velveteen Prince and he had a very large teeth and he scratched with his teeth and no part of Wall E came off because he was metal. Wall-E fighted the cat and fighted the queen and fighted the queens workers and Wall-E and his girlfriend lived happily ever after. The End.

Wall-E and the Soldiers

Chapter 1

Science of Science

Wall-E and Eve were at a lab. So at the lab they saw someone that was a soldier. They looked all over the lab and all over the lab there were just soldiers. And also Wall-E went to the solider building and all the soldiers shooted Wall-E and said “Get him, Get him, Get him” but no part of Wall-E got dead because he was metal. The soldier said “What’s wrong…the shooting won’t help! I don’t believe it and he’s not even being dead!” So Wall-E turned into a garbage box so he can be much better. Then Wall-E said “I guess I should run away with my wheels!”

Chapter 2

Wall-E Lost

TO BE CONTINUED…

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By katemckinneycake – June 4, 2008

Scatological Humor and the Toddler: A Brief Overview

For several days now I have been finding capless markers strewn about my house. Most of them have lost their tips, and I was beginning to wonder if I had some sort of strange Chupacabra like creature stalking the Crayolas. Something that feeds on washable ink and enjoys gnawing on felt.

My instincts were spot on, except for the mythical creature part. My 1 year old daughter Alice was recently discovered with blue hands, blue spots on her dress and a sweet, blue tinged smile, holding a turquoise marker that had been decapitated. And for the next forty-eight hours I changed approximately 8 diapers that were a frightening shade of kelly green.

When I was a child green poop meant one thing. Purple Kool-Aid. Something about purple food coloring always wreaked havoc on our digestive tracts and we wound up with poop the color of pea soup. This color was far more vivid. It would be right at home on an 80s wet-look mermaid-skirted bridesmaid dress.

As I wiped my daughter’s turquoise-tinged bottom so many times that day I knew this moment needed to be recorded for posterity. Poop happens. It’s an integral part of parenting and a source of great humor. So, if you are not a fan of toilet humor then I do apologize. You might want to stop reading now.

Right now Linus is really obsessed with poop. I read in a potty training book that it is completely normal for a child to describe his or her bowel movements in great detail, but that still did not prepare me for his “Baby Jesus in the Swadding Clothes Poop.” In retrospect I probably should have salvaged that one and sold it on eBay. He has also lovingly shown me a Mama Bear and Baby Bear, and a poop that truly was shaped like a Mouth, as well as a myriad of snakes and letters of the alphabet. It’s gotten to the point where I have started mentally describing my own bowel movements. I very nearly called Jarvis in to show him the wonderful J I had made, but I stopped myself in time.

One of Linus’s favorite toys is a skinned male torso that sits next to the children’s encyclopedias. (Incidentally, this is one of my favorite baby shower gifts ever, from my dear Fritzi, who knows better than anyone how much I’d prefer a human anatomical model over another rattle any day.) This torso comes with cards that describe various internal organs and when you insert them into the torso said organ lights up. I explained to my boys what each organ was and what it did. Now Linus loves to grab the visible man and bark like a cigar-smoking gangster “YA WANNA KNOW WHERE THE POOP IS?” He then inserts a card that makes the small intestine light up like a neon sign at a tapeworm diner. “THEEEEEERE’S the POOP!.”

Of course, Jarvis has also had his share of poop moments in years past, such as the day Hugh found him calmly sticking a toy flute into his diaper and smearing the contents on the living room floor. He then looked up and said rather matter-of-factly “I have poo-poo.” Yes. Yes you do.

My most disgusting poop story also comes from Jarvis. I’m not sure I need to reproduce it here. Let’s just say that when you are changing a newborn it’s important to remember the word “explosive” applies, and changing diapers naked is never a good idea.

Posted in Family Life, Uncategorized, motherhood.

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By katemckinneycake – May 28, 2008

Chocolate Covered Caviar

Linus seemed like an ordinary baby. He was sweet, and either looked chronically worried or extremely smiley. The first few months of his life not much seemed to set him apart from any other baby, except perhaps for the solitary blonde, wiry curl that stood up in the middle of his head like Charlie Brown. His first word was “quack quack” and after that he just sort of exploded. He started walking Christmas Day in 2005 at 10 months of age and that was it. He stopped being a baby.

Language came next. It seemed he immediately started speaking in complete sentences with very little baby preliminary. If you asked him a question before he was a year old he’d answer “key-cars” which I eventually realized meant “because” (and by realized I mean “Jill told me”). It wasn’t long before he was saying please and thank you. By 18 months he could say “I’m a studmuffin!” and “Look at me, mommy! I’m swimming…in a boat!” while he floated in a life preserver. At 22 months I scolded him for screaming while I tried to change his diaper and he angrily protested “Don’t be rude Mommy, don’t be selfish! I was not screaming, I was talking!”

From 18 months on his uniform was a backwards baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses. He could not be persuaded to wear a cap forwards. We thought perhaps he found the brim annoying, but no. If he put on a fireman’s helmet, it went on backwards too with the neck protector over his eyes. We finally determined he must have a backwards head. He was very pleased with himself and would announce “It’s like a costume! I’m a cool dude!”

A passion for putting pieces together came next. Mr. Potato Head Theater commenced every morning on top of the 2-shelf bookcase outside his bedroom. Linus was the director, author and costume designer. Architecture is also a forte of his, particularly building Frank Lloyd Wright style homes out of Duplo blocks. By the age of two and a half he was working 25 piece puzzles in less than 5 minutes, 100 pieces in less than an hour.

I have previously mentioned his brother’s flair for the dramatic and mimicry ability. Linus has developed a secret identity of his own, but unlike his brother’s characters like Scooby Doo and Donald Duck, his have sprung from his own mind fully formed. I believe it all started when a lovely little blonde at his pre-school sat next to him on the staircase, put her arm around him and coquettishly suggested that they might get married. He balked. “No, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do…I’m going to marry my mommy.”

The rest is likely my fault, because I protested our upcoming nuptials. While Jarvis and Linus fought over my hand I repeatedly reminded them that I was their mother and already married to their daddy, and if I married one of them what would Daddy do? Linus suggested that Daddy could stay home.

So now, my little son is married. He is a grown up. A daddy. He doesn’t have parents, because he’s a big man. His name is Chocolate-Covered, and he has a wife named Strawberry. Strawberry wore a white dress when they got married, and CC wore a blue tuxedo. They have five children. Banana, Telephone, Candy, Video and Computer, though I have recently been informed that Video and Computer met their demise from eating yucky old spaghetti off the floor. My son is nothing if not morbid. Oh, I forgot. Strawberry has one more baby. Alice is no longer my daughter, but is Strawberry’s baby girl. A baby girl Named Lukey Skywalker.

That Telephone is a handful! Chocolate Covered frequently has to put him in time out for hitting Banana and Candy while Strawberry goes the store. Chocolate Covered is an attentive and involved father, driving his kids to school and reading them books on the staircase.

Occasionally Linus makes an appearance, but it’s not often. He generally refuses to answer to it. But since his family and identity are a secret that can put a kink in things. I took him to visit a kindergarten class and he refused to reveal his name. “It’s a secret!” The teacher put the name I called him on a cup with a pea seed in it, but she misspelled it. “That’s not right…it’s L-I-N-U-S but that’s not my name!” he declared, further confusing things. I frequently call him by the wrong name at home, and he is forever correcting me. Of course Jarvis did the same thing, only answering to Pluto or Donald Duck for years, but he refuses to believe me.

We received a new piece of information at my Aunt Dawn’s birthday party. Chocolate Covered declared his middle name is…Caviar. “Caviar is fish eggs!” announced my three year old epicurean son. To be fair, he learned this from Spiderman 2. But I defy you to find another three year old who knows this, or one who is such a good father.

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By katemckinneycake – May 8, 2008

The Glamorous Life of a Journalist

I am always amazed at the way reality likes to poke holes in the filmy curtains that swirl in my mind. I’ve been approaching my life as a journalist rather like a kindergartener who is shocked to see her teacher at the grocery store. Real life has not ceased just because I’ve been published a few times. My story was the most emailed story on www.courierpress.com for over a week, and yet I still do not have a maid. Somehow those 73 comments the story garnished did not automatically turn me into an international jet-setter.

I had the pleasure of visiting the Harmonie Haus theater in historic New Harmony a couple of weekends ago for a cover story for the West Side. But being who I am it wasn’t a simple jaunt over to a neighboring town. As a nursing mom with a demanding baby who doesn’t even know what a bottle looks like I couldn’t see leaving her for the length of time it would take to interview everyone. It quickly turned into a family outing. Horton Hears a Who was showing and since the boys are big fans of Dr. Seuss (of course, who isn’t?) we opted to take the whole McKinney clan.

This first thing involved was a 25 mile drive to New Harmony. My daughter Alice began to fuss which I thought was related to her new disdain of her carseat, leading to much arching of the back and grumpy red faces. Next came the unmistakable sound and odor of throwing up. Of course, I had extra diapers and wipes but no extra outfit, so Alice spent the rest of the trip congealing to her straps.

Hugh dropped me off for my interview and I spent the next hour in a beautifully restored home filled with local art. Meanwhile Hugh drove another 15 miles to Mt. Vernon in search of a McDonald’s and someplace that sold baby clothes. He located a Family Dollar and bought Alice the only 18 month size outfit available, a pink and sea foam green pair of long johns decorated with butterflies. While changing her a man walked by and remarked “Cute Baby.” Hugh said “Thanks,” much to the horror of the boys who reprimanded him for talking to a stranger.

Hugh forgot I had another interview scheduled at 5:30 pm and was a bit late returning. I feared setting him lose with three kids might be tossing him to the wolves. I ate a cold Big Mac and even colder fries for dinner, and tried to concentrate on interviewing the theater managers while my children ran wild in the lobbey and begged for Ring Pops and Nerds.

Most of the patrons I tried to interview looked at me like I was asking them to taste test various brands of pickled pigs feet. I did find a few who were willing to talk and add some local color to my article, and the kindly theater manager gave my kiddos a poster of “Horton Hears A Who” and a book on New Harmony history. The kids enjoyed the movie and I enjoyed what I saw of it, which wasn’t much since Alice demanded to be taken out so she could crawl around and slobber all over the concession case.

Hugh and I calculated the cost of gas for driving to New Harmony, then driving to Mt. Vernon, then the cost of a meal for 4 at McDonalds, then driving back to New Harmony, movie tickets, and then the drive back home. By the time I get my check for this article (and believe me, for a freelancer the money just trickles in) we will probably just about break even. I keep telling myself that this is just preparation for the novel I am writing which will be an official Oprah’s Book Club Selection. It’s all about paying my dues.

Before I leave you today, here are a few reasons you haven’t seen much of my blog lately. Enjoy!

A Hollywood Ending

David M. Bailey

Newburgh Herb Festival

Also, I’ve been working with my friend Jane Vickers on her line of stuffed toys. They are called “‘Li’l Monsters” and they are quite adorable. Yours truly came up with a few of the descriptions and names in exchange for some cool toys and funky earrings!

I have also started another blog devoted just to homeschooling:

I have an article coming up in the next Beeyoutiful catalog on Vitex, an herb useful for feminine support. Next month I am writing at least one article for the Courier’s West Side and article on babywearing for Evansville Parent, as well as couple more articles for News4U.

So as you can see, I have reason to neglect my blog but I will try to do better in the future! As long as I have days like this, where I knock over a potty full of pee as I run to the toilet in desperation as my insides curl and uncurl in distress caused by drinking 2% milk for the first time in weeks while SIMULTANEOUSLY nursing my 10 month old daughter I will never run out of things to write about, and I will also never be glamorous.

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By katemckinneycake – April 2, 2008

The Simple Complexity of Easter

This is a film I co-wrote with Cris Cunningham. It’s only 3 minutes long. If you attend a church that uses short films as part of their ministry please take a look and see if it’s something they might like to use. And even if you don’t, please watch it. We hope it blesses a lot of people. The film is based around a poem I wrote when I was going through one of the darkest times of my life.

Go to www.beamerfilms.com and click on the Easter store. It’s the first film listed, the Simple Complexity of Easter. Also take a look at Cris’s other films. There is good stuff there.

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By katemckinneycake – March 3, 2008

Ski Mystique

Here’s an article I wrote for the Evansville Courier Westside on the importance of the regional beverage, Ski. There is a place to comment on the article…please do so!

http://www.courierpress.com/news/2008/feb/29/pop-art/

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By katemckinneycake – March 1, 2008

Where is My Mind?

 

My grandmother always says if she goes senile no one will be able to tell.

My great-grandmother had Alzheimer disease for a good ten years before anyone found out. She had always been a little strange and whatever oddities cropped up at the onset of her disease just seemed to be more of the same stuff. I fear I am on the same path. I may not wrap my food in acres of waxed paper and hundreds of rubber bands while perfectly good Tupperware sits in my cabinets, or flavor everything from fruit salad to angel food cakes with anise, but I’m well on my way to senility and I’m only 29.

A couple of weeks ago I had a Tupperware party. I fixed homemade chili with sour cream, cheddar cheese and Tostitos, a veggie platter and homemade muffins. I fixed myself a bowl of soup and a plate of food and sat it on the table, and then I fixed my son a plate of food. I then proceeded to fix myself a bowl of soup and plate of food identical to one I had already fixed for myself and sat down on the other side of the table and began to eat. My friend Bobbie sat down and looked confused. “Whose food is this?” When I confessed she said “What are you going to be like in 10 years?” I’m not sure I want to know.

I once saw actress Leslie Mann on a talk show saying she felt like every time she had a baby a piece of her brain fell out. This is a phenomenon well known to my friends. We call it mommy brain. Unfortunately I cannot blame it all on childbearing. No, I’ve been this way for a long, long time. Long before Jessica Simpson I thought Buffalo wings were made of…buffalo. Now, it’s not that I thought that buffalo could fly. I thought there were parts of the buffalo that resembled chicken wings. Hence the clever name. I had never eaten a Buffalo wing, but I had eaten spaghetti with bison meat so it seemed entirely plausible.

I thought those dogs on my novelty Christmas cd were really singing Jingle Bells, much like the dog in the Little Caesar commercial who could say I Love You. I now know that Jingle Bells was produced with a keyboard and not with a machine like La Piganino, but you can’t convince me that the “I love you” dog wasn’t talking. In spite of these gaps in my brain I still managed to meet and marry a funny, intelligent man who is extremely logical. His brain always stays firmly lodged in his head no matter how many children we have and his love for me is unwavering, although after what happened this morning I wondered if he wasn’t questioning his decision a bit.

I woke up exhausted. My sons had their birthday party at Pump It Up the night before and the flurry of birthday gifts, cake and 19 bouncy children had me drained. “Coffee…I need coffee…” I mumbled to my husband who was on his way downstairs. 5 minutes later there was no rich aroma greeting me as I stumbled down the stairs…no sputtering sounds. The coffeepot was empty.

Me: “Honey…I thought you were going to make coffee?”

Hugh: “I can’t find the coffee.”

Me: “It’s in the freezer.”

Hugh: “I looked in the freezer.”

Me: “It’s not in the big freezer anymore. It’s in the little freezer.”

Hugh takes out a brand new bag of whole bean coffee.

Me: “No, don’t use that bag! We have older coffee that needs to be used first. It’s here” I had him a Ziplock container full of coffee beans.

Hugh: “How do I make it?”

Me: “What are you TALKING about? You taught ME how to make coffee!”

Hugh: “I’ve never made it with whole beans before.”

Me: “Yes you have.”

Hugh: “Well, I had the instructions in front of me. How much should I make?”

Me: “Well, how much do you want?”

Hugh “I’m just going to fill up…”

Me: “NO! Don’t fill up the pot! That’s entirely too much!”

Hugh: “I was GOING TO SAY that I am just going to fill my travel mug.”

We decide on six cups. I tell him to measure out six tablespoons. He second guesses me even though I’ve been making coffee every morning since we got the new pot and he’s never complained about the taste and besides, that’s how HE taught ME to make it. He can’t find the tablespoons because I’ve “moved them.” I haven’t. Finally he grinds the beans and starts to make the coffee. I walk off to check on something and when I come back he’s pouring the water into the pot.

Hugh: “I have to go to the bathroom. Will you finish making the coffee? You just have to…”

I cut him off. “I know how to make COFFEE.”

I finish up and go upstairs. A few minutes later Hugh calls out.

“Kate…can you come here?” I come to the stairs. Hugh looks profoundly disturbed. “Are you…ok?”

Me: “I’m fine…I’m just tired from the party. I was being pretty mean, wasn’t I?”

Silence.

Me: “I know…I was mean…I’m sorry.”

Silence.

Me: “Will you just say something please?”

Hugh: “Well…it just that you keep snapping at me. And I tried to tell you how to finish the coffee, and you said you knew how to make coffee. And you brewed a pot of hot water.”

I started to laugh, and I couldn’t stop. Hugh looked a little relieved that he wasn’t going to have to put me in a straight jacket. I always put the water in after I put the grounds in the filter. When I saw Hugh pouring the water I assumed that the coffee was in the pot and I just pressed brew. I apologized, told him I was a victim of the Berenstein Bears and Too Much Birthday, and remembered that assumptions make an ass out of you and umption, at least according to Nate Nelson. I then made a new pot, complete with actual coffee grounds brewed with actual water.

And after all that, Hugh left his coffee sitting on the counter.

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By katemckinneycake – February 6, 2008

My Worst First Date (Starring ME!)

I got published at Associated Content. Take a look see and comment if you so choose.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/547761/my_worst_first_date_starring_me_in.html

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By katemckinneycake – January 24, 2008