Life can be a constant dripping
a misery that doesn’t end.
The quiet desperation of seeing things move so very slowly
and never changing.
A man stood in front of me, with a microphone.
He said to experience God’s blessing I needed to be
“broken at the feet of Jesus.”
Mister? I have been broken.
I have been humbled, prostrate, on my face.
I have been beaten down.
And the sameness stretches in front of me like a wide expanse of dead prairie grass.
I have been hopeless.
I am, at this moment, hopeless.
I am trying to grasp at home wherever I can find it.
I have looked at my problem with logic, and with spirit.
I’m tired of brokenness.
I am ready for wholeness.
I am tired of being told X + Y will produce Z.
Are we preaching peace or witchcraft when we insist on a result?
Don’t tell me how to get God to pay attention to me.
There is nothing I can do to twist his arm.
As C.S. Lewis said, prayer doesn’t change God, it changes me.
And so I stay, prostrate, on my face.
Knowing that all I can ask for or expect, is peace.
All I can expect is my portion of grace
gently pressed into my hand
day after day.
I can’t summon God.
He won’t be called.
And he owes no explanation to me.
So please don’t tell me about the brokenness recipe that will bring me the desired result.
After all these years, I’m done trying to figure it out.
Whenever it happens,
it will have nothing whatsoever to do with me.
My teeth in the dirt
sackcloth and ashes
fists beating the ground
I’m broken
and his thoughts
are not my thoughts
and his ways
are not my ways.
Kate, I cringed when I heard the man with the microphone say in essence that the reason that our prayers were not answered was because we were not broken. While I love and respect the man with the microphone, I disagreed with him on this issue. I too felt that it was formulaic and I came to the conclusion a long time ago that God does not give us a recipe to follow that will give us our desired results. While I believe in some cases we need to be broken, I do not believe that brokenness is the key in every instance.
However, I do disagree with some of your statements as well.
I think that we can “twist God’s arm” We see this in Scripture. Exodus 32:11-14 for instance. We also see an attempt at arm twisting by Christ himself when he asks for the cup to be taken from Him. Why ask if there was no chance for a change?
I also believe that God can be called. Exodus 3:7.
There are instances when whenever it happens does have something to do with us.
I would encourage you to read Prayer, by Philip Yancey. He deals with many of these issues (and quotes C.S.Lewis often). He does not offer formulas or pat answers and as usual after reading one of his books, I had more questions than answers. However, my view of prayer and what it is has greatly expanded.
Don’t limit the effect of prayer and what it does to us or to God.
Brett, think of these musings as Psalms. David said some intense stuff when he was sad and scared.
But I will say I am worn out from asking and asking and asking.
We are not promised anything but peace.
So that’s all I can ask for right now.
If my prayers work to soften my own heart, then that is enough.
And I think asking for a response is not the same as twisting his arm, KWIM? I cannot compel him to do what I want. He operates in his own way.